Toxic

A while back, I had to stop and ask myself if I was the toxic person ruining my own friendships.  In some ways I think I am toxic if we're being completely honest based on my own personal experience with those who have toxic attitudes.  Just to give a few examples, I find myself to be seeking attention more than I should, letting things get stuck inside my head for longer than they need to be (especially my past experiences with people I no longer speak to), and I am almost always looking at the empty side of the glass.  To me, all three of these behaviors speak to the toxicity of me as an individual.  None of these things are ending easily with the mental health problems I unfortunately continue to endure, but I feel that I must do my best to try and hide them as often as I possibly can.  I must be a person who is always happy and smiling and looking at the positive side of the glass.  It seems really easy to do this doesn't it?  Those of you reading this who suffer from depression, even the seasonal type, know that this isn't the case.

I find myself giving the toxic people in my life too many chances.  "Maybe I'm just interpreting what they're saying wrong" I tell myself in my head and try to let it go without talking about how something makes me feel.  I've been of the mindset that telling someone about the things they do and how they make me feel only leads to long drawn out arguments and a severed connection, and I have seen that play out in personal experience over the years through other people.  Others will reunite and come to understand their differences, but I see the former more than the latter.  While I have had some small successes with talking things out, they have been few and far between. 

Or maybe it's the fact that someone is just having a bad day?  I have my bad days, but I always try to not make the conversation all about myself so to speak.  We all have our bad days, but that doesn't give us the right to become toxic to one another. We shouldn't be dominating a conversation or trying to use others to take care of things for us in order to solve our bad day.  Using other people doesn't provide you with a magic cure.  People can fail you again and again, but you can't try and be better than the other person by saying that directly, or only wanting to talk about the things you want to talk about, for there needs to be give and take.  We can't be toxic because of the day we're having.

Eventually, I may begin to distance myself from the toxic person or people.  Sooner or later we've just had enough and we need to get away in order to feel better and/or continue our mental health journey.  We can't let the people keep bogging us down routinely and damaging our mental state further, so we leave them be for a while.  Sometimes it can feel like a relief, and others it can leave a gaping hole in your social network.  But still, it's for the best.

As for me, I'd like to believe that I can self-improve.  It's not necessarily the end of the road for me.  I can notice these symptoms of toxicity and work to end them the best I can.  There is always room to grow as a human being.  I don't have to stay this way forever.  I can work towards creating and up-keeping healthy relationships with others, and I'll continue striving to do that.

So, don't let a toxic person bring you down and contribute to your depression.  Rise above, and work towards improving you, for you are the only thing you can control.  And if you are with a toxic person, consider leaving the relationship, or at the very least talk to them about how their behavior makes you feel.